House of Cards Recap: I Only Chosen to Say I Detest You

Kevin Spacey as Frank Underwood. Photo: David Giesbrecht/Netflix

Those first two episodes had me nervous that this flavour would be quite the slog, but "Affiliate 55" is a reassuring one. Certain, the episode is not without its come the hell on elements — all of which will be duly mocked in this recap, for I practice not take this sacred duty lightly — and we are yet hearing about simply not seeing my favorite HoC couple, Jackie and Remy (who is possibly too famous for this show, post–Moonlight and Subconscious Figures). Also, the central conflict of this episode and the style the master characters react to it are beyond illogical; do not fret, we volition get to that in a moment. Nevertheless, it features some of HoC'due south finest stuff: the loving, complex history shared by Frank and Claire, people with secrets on the verge of being outed, and something very close to plot progression. It'southward actually Election Day! (I also feared that this unabridged season would fill the ii weeks leading up to that moment, and readers, I would not accept survived it.)

In the category of "evidently you would never do that, for about viii billion reasons," Conway is spending the 24 hours leading upward to Election Day pulling an all-nighter and playing Chatroulette with America, sponsored by Pollyhop. As if anyone would recollect getting zero sleep and taking no breaks from the photographic camera for a full 24 hours is a good idea for a presidential candidate the solar day earlier the election, and as if these callers and questions wouldn't exist vetted beforehand. Too, the least plausible aspect of this deeply implausible plot is that none of the callers is naked, wearing a swastika armband, or both.

Before this ridiculous telethon ensues, an advertising put out past a super-PAC chosen "Americans for Truth" (lol) shows Conway doing his best Kennedy portrait pose while a agglomeration of people talk about the heroism of his vague act of wartime bravery he'due south conspicuously uncomfortable describing in particular. Look, Conway already holds elected office and he has been campaigning for the presidency for at least a year. How has he not come up with a impenetrable — war pun! — story and simply stuck to it? Why is he still so plainly skittish and weird and evasive whenever this comes up?

How's Conway doing? Tom, the perceptive novelist, tells Claire that Conway is "hiding something." Where would Claire be without these illuminating insights?

Of class, because no one is screening the questions, some Nic Cage–looking bro in a bathrobe asks near the Miller kidnapping and, duh, a plant from the Underwood campaign presses Conway on the details of his rescue mission. Making matters even more intense: This establish is none other than the man Conway saved, Squire, and his blood brother. (Of all the names in all the world, the guy is named Squire? WTF. No wonder this testify includes 2 major characters named Tom.) The Squire brothers cannot get Conway to fess upwards to anything, though, and they tell Leann to scram because they've been through enough.

A moment for Leann: She is not and volition never exist every bit wholly committed to Frank as Doug, who bends to his principal'southward will like light through a prism. Frank undermines Leann at every plow and gets frustrated that, unlike Doug, she has not revealed "the contents of [her] soul." I love when Leann says Doug's "skill ready doesn't really apply here," because Doug's "skill set" basically consists of (1) staring at, simply not consuming, booze (ii) making pretty brunettes feel extremely uncomfortable, and (iii) committing weirdly drawn-out homicides.

Frank is distraught considering he's losing his phonation. Could it exist very clunky symbolism for his panic about losing his political power?! Nosotros can't be too sure; ameliorate shotgun honey from a squeezy behave to be safe. Also, considering Conway'due south advertizement is working and Frank feels like he's losing. "Do they know what we accept done to get this far?" Frank bellows over the phone to Claire. In my notes I write: If they did, you lot would be in prison.

Cathy alerts Frank to a Syrian national with strong ICO connections named Mohammad Kalabi. There are iv guys by that name in the U.S. and one just arrived from Afghanistan by fashion of Canada. Frank says it'southward likewise tardily for this information, and I say: Cathy, retire already! Go drink sangria on a beach somewhere in Mexico. You've earned it.

Novelist Tom is hovering over Claire and Frank. This is grating to Frank, and also to me, and even to Claire, who probably never feels closer to Frank than in these heightened political moments, within grasp of the shared goals upon which their entire human relationship is based. I'm reminded every bit these two dissever and conquer a stump spoken communication that, while last season'south big to-do was nigh the controversial and unprecedented move to make Claire her husband'southward running mate, we've heard virtually nothing most it this season. Is the public but cool with this? Seems unlikely to me.

Meanwhile, Doug is out on henchman duty, whisper-growling to Jim Matthews well-nigh how he "fucking lied, straight-upwards, to the president of the Us." Such a betrayal cannot stand for Doug, who decides it's time to federalize the National Guard in Pennsylvania. When Doug reports to Frank that all his efforts have come to nothing, Frank tells Doug — a human he has trained to do exactly this — that he "pushed as well hard." If you listen closely, y'all tin hear Doug whimper like a lost puppy. He goes to a dive bar to tempt himself with the devil's juice, uses his shitty authorities salary to buy rounds for anybody else at the bar, and storms off without taking a sip. Also, I'm pretty sure the woman he barely pays attention to during sexual activity is the transplant widow from last season.

At the residence that dark, Frank watches Claire and Tom sleep, much similar a normal husband might do. I literally laughed out loud when Claire said Tom "hums in his slumber sometimes," like the sentient Instagram filter he is. He's annoying even when he's unconscious! This does not surprise me.

Anyway, Frank makes the bizarre decision to call into Conway'due south telethon and they proceed to have a very mature pissing contest in the middle of the night.

In the midst of all this is something weird with Seth and Bridget, whom we met last week and who asked Seth to testify confronting Doug Stamper. (Well, she asked him for clay on Frank, and Doug was the consolation prize.) Seth won't practise it if he can't be anonymous, and after threatening her — or alert her? — with revenge porn some shitty guy fabricated, he walked away from the deal. Bridget shows up to watch Seth exist supremely douchey — trying to get "a skosh more than reverb" on a mic during sound check — to flirt with him and thank him for alerting her to said sex criminal offense, which she has had scrubbed from the cyberspace.

The best and worst parts of this episode follow. Starting time, the good: a beautifully shot scene in which Frank and Claire act along with Double Indemnity, an Election Day tradition from the earliest days of their marriage. If you can forget about all the lies and murder and stuff, this is an adorable ritual. Their dialogue is sharp and sweet at the same time: "I fabricated you kiss me." You didn't make me buss yous. I wanted to buss you."

Simply bad news — along with the episode's real weakness — comes crashing in: Frank hears from Doug that turnout is low. Way lower than expected. To this I say: WAS THIS Not THE ENTIRE FREAKING Signal OF THE PAST Ii EPISODES? What was Frank trying to do past closing a bunch of polling places and consolidating them into heavily armed voting centers if not to reduce turnout? Yes, this strategy fabricated zippo sense when they came upwards with information technology, non least because Frank is a Democrat, but their reaction to this issue makes even less than zilch sense.

Doug deals with this baffling state of affairs by going into the Oval Office, pulling out a desk drawer, and carving his initials into the bottom. I thought he was going to go with "D.Southward. + F.U. 4EVER," but people can really surprise you.

Firm of Cards Recap: I Just Chosen to Say I Detest You